January 02, 2013

Sometimes it lasts in love...most of the time it doesn't.

My mom was cleaning our house when she saw this keychain with a picture of me and my ex. Nakakahiyang nakakatawa. Later on, I decided to open this box full of letters, diaries, dried roses and pictures which I collected and kept since college. Here's one entry from my diary that I wanna share to you, which I remembered writing in my room while I was crying because we had our first breakup.
Tawang-tawa ako dito. This is verbatim. Please forgive my corniness and naivety. It's a product of young love lang po. HAHAHA!
March 14, 2009
Life has its funny and bitter ways of showing you where you have to go. I never thought that I will go through this kind of pain because I thought God won't give me this because I'm weak. But right now, I've proven na kaya ko pala. The wound is still fresh but I know it will heal in time. You really have to be hurt in order to be strong, you have to fall down in order to climb higher, you really have to fail in order to learn.
One of the ironies of falling in love is you have to love somebody else first before you'll learn to love yourself more. What's sad is you have to be hurt and be left behind before you'll realize everything. But that's what makes life challenging.
Crying has become a part of me. And I'm thankful that crying has been "invented". It has helped me a lot in expressing those unspeakable hatred and pain that have consumed my thoughts. Those pains that he has caused me will always be in my mind. I can forgive but I can never forget. I hate  him because of those pains but that's never a reason for me to stop loving him. Despite of all those things that he has done, despite of the great hatred that I feel for him, I still love him. A mistake, even though how big or small it is, can never erase all those good things he has done for me, those memories that we have shared for more than a year, and the love and care that he has shown me. I still love him, that's a fact. But sometimes letting go, even how painful it is,  is better than continue believing in lies and hoping to change an unchangeable truth. They say that goodbye's the hardest thing to do. But I guess acceptance is harder - the acceptance that everything's over, that that goodbye may be the last coz you know he will never ever come back. The only fact that consoles me is that during that night of goodbye, I can feel that we still love each other. Somehow, it has made me hope for a second chance., but just a blurred chance. I don't want to hope anymore coz I end up being hurt. I have to move on and face the world where I once belonged - the world of singles - safeguarded from pain. But right now, I can't feel its safety but the unwelcoming loneliness of aloneness. It hasn't freed me from hurt, yet it has kep my heart bleeding. But reentering this world has transformed me into a strong person. Sometimes, you have to be like a house, some of its parts must be destroyed first before renovating to become a better one. He has made me realize many things. Because of him, I leaned how to love and when to let go, I learned when to give and what to take, I learned what to do and how to do it, I learned how to face my fears and why it has to be that way.
While I was writing this, tinutugtog yung "Unbreakable" ng Westlife. I always believed that our love was unbreakable. It's too late to realize that it's not a glass pala, it's just a rubber. Natutunaw. And those flirts caused it to melt. They're from hell kaya they caused fire. Grrr... and I failed to transform that rubber into steel which hardened with fire. Pero ganun talaga. Life's like that. And I always believe that everything happens for a reason. And I never have any regrets for anything. I know God has made a great plan for me. I'll trust everything to Him.
Sabi niya hahanapin pa daw niya ang sarili niya. Hmm, ako, kukunin ko sana ang puso ko kasi baka maiwala niya rin. He's giving it naman (unfortunately) kaso I can't take it pa. >corny!< Siguro if he'll lose it, maraming maghahanap nun. But I'd rather take and keep it. Mahirap na, baka madurog ulit.
"I Still" by Backstreet Boys na naman ang background. And I'm hoping na sana this is his song right now.
Hmmm, I just have to face everything bravely. I'll do anything that makes me happy.
"Whatever it is that makes you happy will make you a better person." - MMK
This wasn't so corny the first time I read it.
Maybe you're wondering what happened after this episode. Yun, we were together again (hehe)...and broke up again almost a year later for the last time. That was almost three years ago. I remembered so being hurt then, and now I am able to make fun of it. We're friends with my ex now, and his exes as well. I am still single, and am happy, or happier. I didn't know about him. He's with a different present na baka talagang maging future na niya because something happened. It could be true, it's not surprising na man din. I was half-happy to hear the news because it's gonna be the best work Karma has ever done. I was half-sad because he's so talented that his future could've just gone into waste. But the hell I care, right? Well, of course, I still care. He was my first, but I'm definitely gonna find a different last.
Never mind I'll find someone better than you. =) 


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