April 15, 2012

Letter of Resignation

(Disclaimer: If it's not for you, please don't ask any questions because I won't give any answers. *wink)

Dear you,

I guess I have to close this page of hatred in my life. Not that I so much wanted that proper closure thingy but I guess I just want to remove that little crappy thing that messes up my life journal. That was just so childish of me. And I just wanna make it clear that I'm not doing it because I wholeheartedly forgive you. Again, I still don't want to but it's now a lost case of hating, it won't yield anything good for me anyway. I am selfish in that matter because I guess you don't really deserve my forgiveness no matter how blurry the past is now. I am doing this forgetting for myself, not for you.

"The girl forgives you, not because she has become a saint but because she can no longer bear to carry this burden of hatred." - Aleph, Paulo Coelho

I admit that I was (AND I STILL AM) happy upon hearing the news. I want you to cry so bad, I want you to cry with all your heart, I want you to feel that excruciating pain of rejection and that dying feeling of being left behind for someone else. In my mind, I am rejoicing, with these clouds of thoughts forming on top of my head saying "How does it feel of finally meeting Mr. Karma?". Yes, I definitely want you to know how happy I am knowing that you are feeling that pain. And I am wishing for more to come. Let lightning hit me right now for saying these evil things, and I would gladly welcome it. I'm sorry for saying these things. These harsh thoughts sum up  only about 50% of my feeling during that time. And well, though I hate to admit it, I just want to be honest. Yeah, the other 50% is that of pity. Wow, amazingly my heart still goes out to you because I know how that excruciating pain of rejection and that dying feeling of being left behind for someone else feel. My pain was too much to bear at that time that I don't even want anyone, even you ironically, to feel it too. You're now tracing the steps that I used to take. I have a map to survival that I struggled enough to create, and I want you to find yours too because I also want you to learn how to fall into the abyss and seek for the ladder.

I've closed my door, and I am opening it again, and I hope this time it's for real. My friend told me not to take any actions yet because maybe I'll end up regretting it. You know, maybe you'll take that bait of you're-the-one-that-I-love-and-she's-just-a-fling cliche (which is more likely to happen because I know how that boy plays his game, and I know how stupid girls would fall into his trap). And if you do, well, I want you to get to know Miss Pride. Don't put yourself lower than where you are now. And if that happens, and we happen to be in good terms already, or maybe getting there, I guess I won't really regret anything. I guess I no longer care. Good luck girl.